Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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