I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think my fart just growled at me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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