Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
