brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
