yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
