Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm