Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
