I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I need a burrito and a hug.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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