Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
