two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
