it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
