if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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