well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
