You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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