worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
