Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
