brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
