Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
