Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
