She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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