we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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