Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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