Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
