So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
