I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We're too hungover to prance.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
