If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
