Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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