Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
