This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
