i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
