your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
