She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
