Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
