Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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