Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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