I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
