I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
