omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
