So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
