really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
