I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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