im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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