I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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