omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
