your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am puke
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
