i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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