The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this just has baby written all over it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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