How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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