I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
