Will you blow on my dice?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
