If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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