Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
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She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
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Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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