I looked at my own cervix.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
