i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
