they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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